Boundaries, Agreements and Rules; the pitfalls and pillars of relationships

Part Two:

Agreements vs. Rules; Designing the kinds of relationships you want

photo by “the blow up” unsplash

“ While we can create agreements and rules in relationships alongside of developing our own personal boundaries, being clear about our own boundaries and setting them in motion, gives a much more substantial scaffolding to build healthy agreements in partnerships.”

In this last year, I’ve been investigating what my own personal blueprints were as I was growing up. Specifically around boundaries, rules and agreements. Frankly, I thought I’d be writing part two much sooner than this, but found myself upended awkwardly as I explored my own growing edge in relationship to my personal boundaries and how I build agreements or assert rules in my life. 

In my family of origin we had unspoken agreements, a moral code that was built on a honed level of consciousness about the needs of others. My parents modeled kindness, generosity and compassion especially towards folks who were struggling. In so many ways my parents provided a framework for community and connection, a model I have been so grateful for. We were less proficient in the realm of personal boundaries which has meant that in some relationships I can get somewhat slippery, dismissing or diminishing my wants and needs and placing another’s needs blindly before my own. This can build resentment, create convoluted debris and ultimately, short circuit authentic connection. Implementing new ways of being has been profoundly impactful, mostly nourishing and sometimes messy. While we can create agreements and rules in relationships alongside of developing our own personal boundaries, being clear about our own boundaries and setting them in motion, gives a much more substantial scaffolding to build healthy agreements in partnerships. So, thank you for waiting for part two. As many of you know from working with me, I am growing right alongside you and this subject matter is well worth the study. Whether you are a champion or a novice, dive in. If you’ve not yet read part one, check out the blog previous to this one.

First let’s distinguish the difference between agreements and rules. Agreements are defined by Oxford English Dictionary as “an arrangement, a promise or a contract made with somebody”. Rules are distinctly different, defined as “a statement of what may, must or must not be done in a particular situation”. Agreements are collaborative between two or more people and rules are made by one or more people and instituted without need for agreement. Agreements are between, rules are above. 

In my work as a Sex and Relationship Coach there have been places where I have seen rules instituted over agreements overtly. For instance, when trust has been broken, the person who has felt harmed by the betrayal will often for a time need to assert rules in order to establish a sense of safety. But over time, the shadow of those rules when played out for too long, can hinder authentic intimacy in a way that may not be in service to growth. When we govern the freedom of our equals we set in motion an imbalance of reciprocal connection. So let’s sort out how to use rules occasionally and agreements inspirationally.

Prior to my own exploration of different relationship styles, traditional or untraditional, I had very little understanding of the impact of conflating rules with agreements. Rules disguised as agreements can be an unwieldy beast. Here’s a good example;

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• I don’t want you to be attracted to or flirt with other people. If you do, I will leave you. 

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Your partner may agree to not being attracted to others, or certainly, to not flirting, but the agreement itself is rooted in pressure or fear. It’s a clear pronouncement of a deal breaker, potentially leans more towards a boundary, but ultimately as it is stated, comes across more as a rule because it is reliant on a certain behavior from another. Rules most often, attend to one person’s needs, but not necessarily the needs of either the relationship or the other/others in it. Rules are one sided. Rules make sense on occasion, and may be pointing in a healthy direction, but they tend to miss some of the moving parts of the whole. To reframe this as a substantiated rule it might sound something like this. 

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In the next three months as we work on building trust again, I want us both to give more time to our relationship. Your flirtation towards others crosses the line for me. It needs to stop. If you aren’t able to operate within this framework, we’re going to need to sort out what else might work so I can take care of my heart in the best possible way. 

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Rules can facilitate a safer connection, but they can be tricky and can be used to heighten shame. They are best initiated with an expiration date. Rules may include a deal breaker, asserting that if this can’t happen then some substantial shift will need to be made, but when anchored to a level of respect and care, they can create an opening rather than an ending. 

Agreements are made collaboratively and are in service to the relationship and its values. Remember rules are above, agreements are between. Agreements are best made when you are clear about what essential elements or values you honor in the relationship you are co-creating. Agreements are made in support of those values. A reframe of the above rule:

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We agree that attraction is a natural aspect of human relationships and that attraction taken towards action is not within our agreement. If attraction causes either of us discomfort, we agree to support each other through the emotions that are present. We agree that our main objective is to expand our love for one another. Physical and emotional intimacy may be ignited by attraction elsewhere, but we agree that what we do with that ignited arousal, is bring it back to ourselves and to one another.

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Agreements serve the needs of the relationship. This particular example might be followed by clear detailed examples of limits or lines that serve the agreement. It is an example that comes up quite often in sessions, but is a difficult conversation to have in any relationship. I want to normalize that most often we have a crunchy, awkward, glitchy progression towards true intimacy with our communication. Sometimes it looks like a perfect love story, but most of the time love is deepened by the real wild beauty that risking those harder conversations can create.

Consider the possibility that through cultivating clarity and initiating your boundaries, you get to experience your exquisite agency, individuation and sense of self. In relationship to your beloved/s you will feel more enlivened, empowered and whole. Imagine co-creating collaborative agreements that are in service to profound love, passion, vitality and connection or many other values that you choose to claim. With a strong foundation in your relationship in the values that matter to you, agreements can be an opportunity to stabilize a deeper understanding of what you are up to together not only in the emotional, sensual and relational aspects of your relationship but also for the growth of your own path.  And when necessary, honor the temporary container of rules in support of stabilizing the uncertain terrain that can happen in any relationship. It is clear to me that through this work and witnessing many of you moving through times that sometimes feel desolate, those moments can be boundless in strengthening your bond. Boundaries, agreements and rules are part of the bigger picture of claiming the kinds of relationships that cause you to be more of who you are. As always, this is my hope for this work, that we would each have a deeper understanding of our personal path as we nourish relational, romantic and inspirational partnerships.  

Boundaries

Boundaries, defined as “lines that mark the limits of an area; dividing lines”, are a powerful resource as we nourish our ability to create healthy experiences in the world.  In regards to unsafe situations, boundaries are set to clearly establish separation. If you are in an unsafe situation in any way, your “no” is a clear proclamation meant to keep you from emotional or physical harm. Accessing our power and voice in this way is paramount. However, in healthy, thriving relationships I’d like to look at boundaries through a different window. Rather than viewing boundaries as a way to disconnect or protect, I’d like to establish a premise that cultivating the art of communicating boundaries lovingly, can serve the purpose for sustainable and vital connection. In fact, as we navigate building the kinds of relationships that allow us to be more fully ourselves, we have the opportunity to utilize boundaries as a way to co-create inspiring, passionate, balanced and pleasurable experiences with our beloveds. Over the years boundary violation builds wounds in our individual lives and preserving healthy boundaries in sustainable relationship, is a great bridge to healing those past wounds.

In romantic relationship, one of the issues that can create conflict is when one partner tries to move things forward sexually and the other partner says no. A common reaction in partnership during sexual intimacy when a boundary is set is that the partner given the boundary, immediately pulls all touch away. Sometimes it isn’t easy to receive a boundary because a “no” or a “slow down” may not be said in a conscious loving way, adding to our sense that we are doing something wrong. Learning how to express our needs and desires in regards to boundaries is a balance between conscious communication and attunement. Both partners can change the quality of intimacy when they are willing to integrate these aspects of healthy connection. On another level, in my work with couples and individuals, what I hear from them is that there is a risk to saying “no” to sex or sensuality because it sometimes causes an immediate gap in closeness. Sometimes a sexual partner will override their own boundary because their desire for some form of intimacy is high enough that they don’t want to risk an upset. This can also happen in new burgeoning romantic relationships as well. The level of acceptance and touch we long for can cause us to inhibit our voices and diminish our pleasure. One of the things I do in my work as a Sex and Relationship Counselor is help clients experience connection with one another while setting or responding to a boundary. Learning to stay present to one another while honoring and voicing your boundaries and desires is paramount in heightening intimacy in relationship. 

When setting boundaries in your romantic relationships, imagine the possibility of doing so to strengthen connection, both with yourself and the one with whom you are setting a boundary. This takes presence and curiosity. While letting yourself experience the emotions that may arise because you may feel you have done something wrong or your partner doesn’t want you to touch them, let it be a place where you turn your gaze more fully towards them, slowing down your touch to stillness. Return your touch to the territory you were already exploring and become curious about your partner’s desire.   Attunement to your partners needs is potentially an area that growth can occur. As with any art form, there is always room to grow. Allowing and encouraging your partner to teach you how they want you to touch them, what they want to hear, how they want to be seen and what turns them on, expands the playground for pleasure. When boundaries are honored as a way to enhance connection, what follows close behind is a new realm of possibility and a deeper intimacy you can dive more playfully and passionately into within your partnership.