Part one: Boundaries
photo by Joe Beck
Humorously, I want to begin by saying that I have muddled all three of these dynamics in relationships in the past. Boundaries, agreements and rules have been conflated by me because I didn’t know how little I knew about each of them. Cultivating a clear understanding of how to become more aware of my boundaries, or lack thereof, has been a perfect place to start. The difference between agreements and rules make much more sense after doing some experimenting with my own boundaries.
Geographically, a boundary is an invisible or visible barrier that separates or divides one piece of land from another. Our personal first concise and visible boundary from a physical standpoint is our skin. Everything from our skin inward, is the physical body. Everything outside of the skin is the world around us. Imagine that we have a second skin, one that is just as functional at protecting us, one that is energetic, invisible and informative. This boundary qualifies our limits as well and helps us clarify our own agency within our defined parameters.
Boundaries are personal. We can have them for ourselves without need for agreement from another. We can take individual action to enforce or implement our boundaries. Boundaries don’t need explanations, though they can have them. One of my favorite writers says it beautifully;
“No, is a complete sentence. ”
Examples of some of the common boundaries I experience couples deal with in this work vary in category; physical, emotional, material, sexual, time orientation and conversational. For example;
I’d like to be more present with you when we are talking. When our lives are filled with tasks I’d like you to ask if it’s a good time to talk if it’s something that might require a deeper conscious presence from me rather than just diving in.
I’m really tapped out after 9:00pm. If we are experiencing conflict I’d like communication about it to be tabled for a decided time, but not after 9:00pm.
No. ;)
When I say no to sex, I don’t always want to explain why. Know that I love you and that saying no is respectful to both of us.
When you raise your voice during conflict, it’s hard for me to hear you. I need that dynamic to feel different in order for me to engage more fully. If you have suggestions, I’m open to hearing them, but enduring the volume coming my way isn’t good for either of us.
We have different desires sexually. I have a boundary around some of what you want and you seem confused by some of what I want. I want to clarify my boundaries with you and see if there are other ways that your desires could be met while honoring those boundaries.
I have a boundary about our bed smelling like cigarette smoke. If you smoke, please shower before coming to bed.
It takes a definitive understanding of ourselves for boundaries to come out clearly. These listed above can be paired down with much fewer words, but they are a start. We all have our different styles of communication that work or don’t work for our beloved’s. Fine tuning is part of the process. We have patterns built from childhood and enhanced in relationships that distort our clarity. Choosing an untriggered moment to speak our boundaries is best, but fumbling through it to get there is also important to normalize.
Equally invaluable is the ability to recognize our internal boundaries, often referred to as containment boundaries. This type of boundary is strengthened when we have some resilience and willingness to look at how we impact others. When we begin to own and become responsible for the way some of our behaviors impinge on those around us, we have the opportunity to enhance and deepen respect in intimate, emotional, physical and spiritual relationships. Containment boundaries are not to be confused with making yourself small so that you don’t create conflict. Conflict is a part of any relationship, along with disappointment and hurt. But having the capacity to be conscious of your effect on the space around you makes you a more attuned and responsible person in relationships of any kind. It takes curiosity, compassion, self-awareness, humility and willingness to substantiate both external boundaries and containment boundaries.
Jeff Brown, the author of “Soul Shaping: A Journey of Self-Creation” says,
“There is no way to dissolve the ego in its entirety. It is intrinsic to human functioning. This is why the ego bashing fundamental to the spiritual bypass community is so dangerous. They invite seekers to shed aspects that are essential in their daily lives. Instead, let’s make a conscious distinction between the healthy and the unhealthy ego… What we need is to support the development of a healthy, balanced ego. One that knows where it ends and the other begins. One that celebrates one’s value, without imagining itself ‘all that’. One that honors the self, without a need to dishonor others. A healthy ego is not the enemy of the sacred. It’s the foundation that it stands upon.”
Brown’s ability to distinguish the balance between our individual sovereignty and agency while simultaneously acknowledging our impact on others, is important. Ego gets a bad wrap often. Our ego, defined as a person’s sense of self esteem and self importance, can either get in the way or be in service to our ability to set healthy boundaries. When an ego is inflated we miss the mark, sometimes because of being defensive about our actions or sometimes because we overlook the needs of others. Counter to that, when we dismiss ego, the risk is equally tricky. We might deny that our needs are important and diminish our worth, potentially creating a dynamic that amplifies harm and in the end fuels resentment. Somewhere in between, is a healthy understanding of the ego’s role in the world of boundaries. Anchored in the liberating equation that our own worth is as important as the worth of those we are relating to in the world, healthy self-esteem and self importance can establish a provocative harmony in relationships. When you honor your boundaries and allow others to have their own feelings about the boundaries you have set, you have a stronger chance of creating a more viable playing field for romantic partnership, familial relationships and friendships.
Our bodies let us know when a boundary is necessary through both sensations and emotions. In the work I get to do with many of you through the sessions we share, there are tools that help fine tune and refine access to setting boundaries. Beginning to notice sensations in the body like contraction or tension may be evidence that you are getting close to a boundary that you need to set. Experimenting with what new framework might allow you to have a deeper ability to breathe freely, with more ease and more unconstrained connection with both yourself and those around you, is a step in the right direction in regards to what boundary might be helpful. Agreements between you and your partner or loved ones can naturally follow the boundaries you now have set for yourself, a progression well worth it in the world of relationship.
Stay tuned for part two, “Agreements vs. Rules; Designing the kinds of relationships you want.”
